Like this:

So sitting here on a Saturday evening in Ben Gurion airport I have decided to return to writing my blog. I will not however apologise for leaving such a long gap between posts, purely because thats is what you would expect me to do. Instead I would like to express my feelings of complete and utter disappointment that there wasn’t a more rigorous outcry from my readership for my lack of updates. In fact, I would go as far to say that you readers are lazy and some may also be dangerously obese.

Speaking of fatties I have just tucked down to a “Personal Pizza” at the airports new Pizza Hut. This 30 Shekel doughy mess was up to the usual chewy standards that I would expect from Pizza Hut. Just a lump of bread and cheese, with a similar texture and taste to a bite out of a chubby American’s bingo wing.

Strangely Pizza Hut and its neighboring McDonalds both claimed to be Kosher, however they were both open on Shabbat. For those in the dark about such matters, in order for a restaurant to be Kosher it must follow strict dietary laws, pay for the supervision of a religious body and (well so I thought) be closed on Shabbat. The way McPloppy Hut had managed to avoid being closed, is to cook the food before Shabbat, and then just reheat it during. The student equivalent of popping some left over pizza in a microwave as a breakfast fit for coronary failure. I was annoyed. I wasn’t expecting sparkles from McPizza Tit, but my warm soggy lump of puss was still throughly disappointing. I would even suggest that their “Kosher” sign should be replaced with a more accurate description of their food, “Warmed and nearly kosher.” Hmm, needs shortening.

In the past I have written of my disgust of various examples of religious fascism which has characterized my 2 year stint in Jerusalem. And for those that know me only since I made Aliyah you made be surprised to hear that I once kept Kosher. Therefore I can now provide a detailed critique of the system from both sides of the Kosher divide.

a) Lets mix milk and chicken; when did you last see a chicken with udders?

b) The Kosher organisations should only charge food manufacturers for their accreditation on premium products. There should not be a financial barrier to keeping Kosher for people on lower incomes.

c) Whether a restaurant opens on Shabbat should have no bearing on whether it is Kosher. Its forcing people to act a certain way against their will.

If I was the head of the reform/masorti/liberal/repossessed synagogue I would adopt a more consumer friendly method of designating levels of Kashrut. For example, a restaurant that has kosher meat but also serves milk would get 1 Fish Ball. And a restaurant that has kosher meat, doesn’t serve milk but opens on Shabbat will get 2 Balls. And one that would be Kosher enough that most religious people would eat there, will get 2 balls and a carrot. Then to keep the system as consumer friendly as possible, as restaurants get more Kosher, we could simply have the carrot and balls getting larger and larger.

Well I hope I have enlightened your day with a dose of my incessant ramblings. Having left the airport some time ago, and now sitting on a plane to London, I would like to share with you three highlights from my journey so far.

a) Lee is sitting next to me. He is responsible for the emergency door – we are all screwed if something happens.

b) The cabin crew announced that there is a passenger on the plane with a nut allergy, so we were asked to all refrain from eating anything containing nuts throughout the flight. I then told a crew member I have a nut addiction, and shortly afterwards they sold me a packet of Peanut m&m’s.

c) Anticipating my third trip to the toilet, I can conclude that McShit Hut has had the last laugh.