Speaking of fatties I have just tucked down to a “Personal Pizza” at the airports new Pizza Hut. This 30 Shekel doughy mess was up to the usual chewy standards that I would expect from Pizza Hut. Just a lump of bread and cheese, with a similar texture and taste to a bite out of a chubby American’s bingo wing.

Strangely Pizza Hut and its neighboring McDonalds both claimed to be Kosher, however they were both open on Shabbat. For those in the dark about such matters, in order for a restaurant to be Kosher it must follow strict dietary laws, pay for the supervision of a religious body and (well so I thought) be closed on Shabbat. The way McPloppy Hut had managed to avoid being closed, is to cook the food before Shabbat, and then just reheat it during. The student equivalent of popping some left over pizza in a microwave as a breakfast fit for coronary failure. I was annoyed. I wasn’t expecting sparkles from McPizza Tit, but my warm soggy lump of puss was still throughly disappointing. I would even suggest that their “Kosher” sign should be replaced with a more accurate description of their food, “Warmed and nearly kosher.” Hmm, needs shortening.

In the past I have written of my disgust of various examples of religious fascism which has characterized my 2 year stint in Jerusalem. And for those that know me only since I made Aliyah you made be surprised to hear that I once kept Kosher. Therefore I can now provide a detailed critique of the system from both sides of the Kosher divide.

a) Lets mix milk and chicken; when did you last see a chicken with udders?

b) The Kosher organisations should only charge food manufacturers for their accreditation on premium products. There should not be a financial barrier to keeping Kosher for people on lower incomes.

c) Whether a restaurant opens on Shabbat should have no bearing on whether it is Kosher. Its forcing people to act a certain way against their will.

If I was the head of the reform/masorti/liberal/repossessed synagogue I would adopt a more consumer friendly method of designating levels of Kashrut. For example, a restaurant that has kosher meat but also serves milk would get 1 Fish Ball. And a restaurant that has kosher meat, doesn’t serve milk but opens on Shabbat will get 2 Balls. And one that would be Kosher enough that most religious people would eat there, will get 2 balls and a carrot. Then to keep the system as consumer friendly as possible, as restaurants get more Kosher, we could simply have the carrot and balls getting larger and larger.

Well I hope I have enlightened your day with a dose of my incessant ramblings. Having left the airport some time ago, and now sitting on a plane to London, I would like to share with you three highlights from my journey so far.

a) Lee is sitting next to me. He is responsible for the emergency door – we are all screwed if something happens.

b) The cabin crew announced that there is a passenger on the plane with a nut allergy, so we were asked to all refrain from eating anything containing nuts throughout the flight. I then told a crew member I have a nut addiction, and shortly afterwards they sold me a packet of Peanut m&m’s.

c) Anticipating my third trip to the toilet, I can conclude that McShit Hut has had the last laugh.

The problem with gays (there’s a sentence you don’t here nearly as often as you used to) is that they are far too nice. Gay parades are always happy, love affairs with plenty of prancing, dancing and genital thrusting. You never see a gay militant group making threats behind a rainbow bandana. Or a gay mob running down the streets of London throwing hair straighteners and plastic willies through shop windows. The women’s suffrage movement took years of protest, clashes with police and even a poor girl being run over by a horse to achieve voting rights for women. Until the gay community gets organised and serious about making equality a reality, they’re going to have to patiently wait around as second class citizens in many parts of the world.

Israel is yet to recognise gay marriage. To be fair, Israel hasn’t recognised any marriage unless there is an orthodox rabbi involved. Everyone has to go through this fictional theatre of pretending to be a religious virgin to get the approval of a beardy moose to marry. Our all knowing perfect leader of yesteryear, David Ben Gurion cocked up. He agreed to give the institution of marriage over to the Rabbinate of Israel, and no government has been able to mud wrestle back control. If you are have a same sex wedding you have to fly abroad to somewhere like Cyprus, have a civil ceremony, and return to Israel registering your marriage at the Ministry of Interior.

Let’s take some serious action people. It’s time we stuck it to the rabbi. Until the government introduces civil marriage, I propose we boycott the institution if marriage. Let’s create our own civil ceremony, with our own spiritual leaders ordaining loving couples of any faith, sexual orientation or gender. In fact, lets actively encourage inter-religious, same sex, incestuous relationships. We will give people the social recognition they deserve, and celebrate their right to spend their lives together even if they are Muslim Jewish brothers.

And finally I turn to you, my dear friend Pope Benedict XVI. Perhaps I was a little hasty a few months ago calling for the death penalty to be reintroduced just to see you hanging like a white turd on a string. When Jesus said, “do unto others as you would have other do unto you” (Matthew 7:12), perhaps Jesus was actually speaking about everyone except for homosexuals. While we’re quoting the New Testament, “it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven” (Luke 18:25). How is a big fat camel like you going to squeeze into heaven? Last time I checked the books of the Catholic Church, you appeared loaded with enough cash to guarantee you an eternity in damnation. If you get a little chilly this winter, do not fear as I hear its toasty in hell, full of people like you who enjoy a little religious fascism.

Unfortunately, Livni isn’t doing much better. Kadima, the party which earned my vote last year, look likely to take power around the same time Ariel Sharon comes out of his coma and headlines in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new production of Jesus Christ Superstar. However, I will remain faithful to my party and stand by you through this difficult period in opposition. After hours of research, and much careful consideration I have formulated the following policies, that will bring Kadima to a decisive victory in the next election.

Policy 1: Liberalizing Gaza and toppling Hamas

A liberal Gaza, is a safe Gaza. We dig our own tunnels, and begin smuggling in anything which the people of Gaza will enjoy to the dislike of Hamas. Lets start with a dozen bottles of whiskey, a crate of pornography and a box set of home improvement TV shows. Before long Hamas will be ousted, and Gazans will enjoy smoking, binge drinking and swinging like the rest of the world. By the summer we will see reports of Gaza City’s first Gay Parade, ex-Hamas supporters prancing down the main streets with feathers pointing out of their bandanas and furry underwear protecting their man hood instead of AK-47s.

Policy 2: Reducing settlement numbers

Other than moral, there is currently no incentive for settlers to move from their outposts. We could offer each family of settlers one million dollars, the currency most are familiar with, to move back into Israel. Those that choose to stay on occupied land must wear silly pointy hats with the word PAWN written upon them. This will help them to realise their purpose in life as a human sized tool to land grab, or as a negotiating chip where they will eventually be tossed back into Israel like a pile of dirty laundry that nobody wants. Soon enough all that originally refused to move will be so humiliated they will emigrate back to America perhaps building a settlement somewhere along the way.

Policy 3: Put a stop to smoking indoors

Most smokers have failed to comply with this relatively new law, it is time these people faced the consequences; a long overdue communist style crackdown. Undercover agents wearing cheap grey suits and driving in blacked out Skodas will linger in the dark corners of nightclubs. If they spot someone lighting up illegally they will captured, gagged, bounded then whisked away to a secret location. Then, when they are at their most confused, a glitter ball will descend from an opening in the ceiling. Speakers will begin to pump out bad 90’s trance music, and the smokers will be forced to dance endlessly while being provided with packet after packet of cancer sticks. We will stop the torture when only 10% of the smokers remain alive. They will then spread stories to their friends and family about the consequences of forcing us to breathe in their stinking toxins.

Good ideas don’t grow on trees Livni, make it happen.

Sex was on the brain of every student, every night. Everyone was at it. Well, except for me. It wasn’t like I didn’t get any sex while at university, rather instead of a weekly jaunt under the covers, like everyone else, it was more of an annual romp. Unsurprising considering my chubby exterior and fast receding hairline.

With limited personal experience, I would enjoy the tales provided by my buddies and their fleeting encounters with the opposite sex. What struck me, was the consistent failure of many to wear a condom. Some would even claim that if your partner was Jewish, there was little risk of catching an STI. Others believed that the girl being on the pill would be some kind of protection. The myth of Jewish immunity to passing and catching Sexually Transmitted Infections was commonplace at university. This is the myth I choose to dispel. Jews have sex while at university, and Jews catch STI’s while at university. If you don’t rubber up while sleeping with someone who hasn’t been tested, you’re an idiot. And if you have had unprotected sex, do us all a favour and go and get yourself tested.

My second target for abuse, is a Mr Pope Benedict XVI. Africa, a predominantly Catholic continent, has an aids problem. 25 million people in Africa have aids, and about 2 million die of it every year. The Pope’s claims that using a Condom increase the chances of catching aids, is not just wrong, it is perpetuating the largest genocide of our time. Although I would normally argue vehemently against the death penalty, for you Mr Pope, I would make an exception.

I think congratulations are in order. Not only did you create the universe in a mere week, you also created a system of social control, which offers the only satisfying solution to the one thing that everybody fears; death. As nothing is more depressing than thinking of death without heaven. I dread that thought of becoming a rotting corpse, lying 6 feet under in the earth, being consumed by maggots, worms and parasites. It is just a very undignified way to go. Angels and harps is far more appealing…well, except for the white. I donʼt think I could stand the lack of colour. If you promise I could spruce up the place a touch, perhaps with some greens or blues, Iʼll be there.

Truth is, I am a little confused on a few issues, and would like a moment of your time to answer some of my burning questions.

First, why do you need to be worshipped? I could understand an occasional bout of thanks of your magnificence, but daily recognition of your greatness seems a little excessive. As if you are some kind of ego driven megalomaniac, in need of constant love and affection. If we donʼt pray regularly, might you throw youʼre metaphorical dummy out of the metaphorical pram? Well, donʼt be such a baby, perhaps you need some biblical discipline to help grow a backbone. Surely if we are good people, doing great things, youʼll be happy.

Second, was the enlightenment annoying? I bet you weren’t expecting science to come along and explain how things work. Religion relies on the premise of being to explain answers to questions which us mere mortals struggle to solve. Despite that, it baffles me how you convinced seemingly intelligent and educated individuals, to cling onto their supernatural beliefs. A job well done.

Third, whats the problem with women and homosexuals? If you created everyone, it would make sense if you just accepted people for who they are, rather than treating some like second class citizens. It feels like youʼre a bitter parent, disappointed with your underachieving, short and chubby children. The mistakes which you put down to a stupid drunken night, when you were too porked up on alcohol to manage to strap on a condom. Sounds like stubbornness; get over it.

I understand Judaism, along with other faiths, is a cultural phenomenon, with its origins based on an ancient culture with ancient traditions. Belief in you, is a part of the culture of Judaism; making us all Cultural Jews, believers and non-believers. Despite all of your infantile requests, and archaic beliefs, I respect peoplesʼ right to follow the herd. It doesnʼt even bother me that you insist people build their lives around your belief system. However nothing riles me more, when a politician explains their actions by telling their voters, “God told me to.” George Bush comes to mind, among other examples. God just do me one favour, keep out of politics.

One final question. If insane politicians manage to lead us all into an apocalyptic nuclear war, wiping out every last morsel on earth. With nobody left to believe in you, would you still exist? Just some food for thought.

Awaiting your response. A proud non-believer,

David Kay

I bring to you the sad news of the death of Leeds Jewish Society, who passed away last night, the 5th November 2012. Leeds Jsoc died a slow and painful death over the course of many years. In the end, it was a number of Kiruv organisations which strangled the last inch of life from the flailing organisation. The Jsoc has left a derelict Hillel House, once launched in the glory of ticker tape and celebration, now lying dormant as a sad reminder of the downfall of the once successful Jsoc.

In its glory years Leeds Jsoc was a leading provider of events and services for the local Jewish students. It would once welcome over 200 students for a Friday night fever, host weekly social events, poker nights, narghilla nights, speed dating. The Jsoc had over 800 members, with a regular lunchtime at Hillel of up to 70 students. In its hay day the Leeds Jewish student community was a thriving closely knit body of students. Shull would be brimming with over 100 students on a Friday night, and the weekly Shabbat culture of welcoming friends and acquaintances over for Friday night dinner was common place.

Unfortunately when the aforementioned Kiruv organisations caught wind of the success of the Jsoc, they slowly began circling their prey. They came with buckets of cash, and at first the Jsoc took the bait, but no amount of bribery could win over their membership. Rather than bring the students closer, they were pushed away. Slowly, but surely, Leeds started to become a less popular university destination for Jewish students, until one day, there wasnʼt even enough Jewish students to stand for Jsoc. Students stayed away from the Hillel, fearful of being dragged in to make up a Minyan. A student community centre which gave so many so much hope for the future, became a place of religious intimidation.

Witnesses reported that the Jsocʼs final words from its still, cold, lifeless corpse, were “I wish I had listened.” A last regret of a society out of touch with its membership. There weʼre no students to bury the deceased, they had all left years ago.

There is little doubt that a prime time screening of Nick Griffin, answering questions from an audience, is going to boost his popularity. Giving a platform to racism will legitimize his views, and raise their standing in the public arena. However the decision made by the BBC to invite Griffin onto Question Time is a fair and justified one. Griffin is now an elected member of the European Parliament, and the BBC have a responsibility to discuss the views of mainstream elected parties. Instead of a judgement on the BBC, this is a reflection on the state of British politics.

Unfortunately those that will suffer from the display of mainstream racism on BBC 1, will be the ethnic minorities of Britain. However with the upcoming General Elections there needs to be a change. The key for ensuring that British politics is not over run by fringe extremist parties is by successfully engaging the voter in elections. This requires a full reform of the House of Lords, something that Labour has promised but not delivered. A fully accountable House of Commons, and the end of the political class that is out of touch from the people.

Those that decided to abstain from voting in June can only blame themselves for the rise of the BNP and their appearance on Question Time. The lesson that must be learnt by the British, is simply to vote.

How long until Bibi is persuaded on the fate of the settlers. The dispute over whether Israel’s settlements should be allowed “natural growth” or a “partial freeze” is significant in the psyche of Israel. A complete freeze concedes that the settlements are the barrier to peace, and will eventually be dismantled. However allowing for “natural growth” implies that the settlements are still to be played for, and leaves far more power in the negotiating hands of Israel.

However there is a far greater issue that Israel must accept internally, before negotiations can succeed externally. The admission that the chain of events that led to Israel’s existence dispossessed a group of people from their land isn’t just the realisation of a truth, its is the rewriting of a historical narrative. The Zionist narrative is still passionately burning in the heart of many Israelis. It includes the belief that the ancestors were ultimately good, and did everything in their power to bring a peaceful Jewish State into existence. A contemporary view of history reveals a much less romantic reality.

However a second, and important realisation will follow. This admission of partial blame for the displacement of Palestinians from their homes, does not nullify the raison d’être for the State of Israel. Israel can still exist without a perfect history, and  Israel can exist peacefully alongside a Palestinian State. Obama can persuade Israel to make statements and attend negotiations, but until we do some soul searching we won’t be ready to let go of the territories.

So this year on Yom Kippur I asked for forgiveness from those that we occupy. We have the will and ability to change; we just might need another year.

Guiding my friend Valeria, around the Southern Wall Excavations.

A difficult year has thrown up a number of challenges socially, personally and professionally. I have faced the task of retraining as a tour guide, in a market that I am relatively inexperienced. That said, I have managed to begin a tour guide course, which is proving challenging, but by no means impossible. I have thankfully been given the opportunity to begin honing my guiding skills at an archeological dig which tasks the tourists with the digging. Although tourism is proving sluggish this year, which has created a financial challenge, I also see the wider investment in my own knowledge and experience which the dig offers.

It was particularly difficult beginning a  new life in a strange country without the support structure that friends and family offer. I have struggled building a social network, partly because of the intense nature of my work and study schedule. However I believe as that every week I am here my relationships with those around me are growing. That said, a little more effort on my part is  required.

I have also faced many personal difficulties adjusting to life in Israel. Much of which was tied with both my apartment and a failed relationship which pushed me to deal with a range of difficult issues alone. However having now found myself on calmer seas, I feel confident that I can deal with almost anything this country chooses to throw at me. Hebrew in particular is a personal challenge. Trying to take time off work to learn the language, while paying for the privilege, is going to be difficult. I have now accepted that for the next 4 to 5 years I will be in and out of Ulpan, and this is an inevitable investment in my future that I must make.

All of these problems of the past year, have raised the question whether I have made the right decision in moving here. Back in Britain for a week, I briefly rejoined a fully functioning society. I ordered things online. I rode public transport during Shabbat. I shopped at night. I saw world class live comedy and music. I got a take away at 2am. I drank numerous pints, and even one from within a University. But despite all of these creature comforts and small perks, none of them made me happy.

The truth I discovered was that a country that simply strives for efficiency and perfection, doesn’t necessarily make it an inspiring or meaningful place to live. Although it is infuriatingly difficult in Israel to travel on Shabbat, the fact that this country constantly debates the values behind offering such a service on the Jewish day of rest means that there is more to this complex state than just simple economics. Although I don’t believe our lives should be dictated or restricted by religious belief, the values which are intrinsic in Judaism bring an important and meaningful experience to the lives of Israelis. And the chaos that inevitably follows is all part of the fun.

Although I miss my family and friends dearly, I have discovered that those that matter, have made the effort. I would never put myself forward as an ambassador for Aliyah, however I feel a year on from my choice, it was right one for me.

An array of cars parked nicely on the curb

Parking has many different rules in Israel. In fact they are so different that nobody really understands the parking restrictions, which take the form of various different colours of painted curbs. So in desperation, Israeli society has resorted to parking on the pavement.

A disabled parking space marked out on the pavement, wheelchair bound pedestrians will just have to take to the road.

Now this may seem fine for drivers, but it also leaves pedestrians with a little predicament. Either we must go around the cars, walking into the road, or alternatively pedestrians can simply buy a car.

So I suggest you get some practice in beforehand. If you a pedestrian, I suggest you take a walk zig-zagging along some busy A-Roads to test your traffic dodging abilities. And if you are a driver, I suggest you practice being as inconsiderate as possible.

Shabbat Shalom